The Friendship Test

I love my friends. All of them have been there for me at one point or another and have asked for advice and comfort in return. We have so much fun together and I cherish the time we have spent as friends. I have gone to lengths to preserve the friendships I value and have culled those that are toxic (ie: the frenemies).

So what do you do if you find yourself in a compromising position within the friendship? A friend has a problem (whether they know it or not) and you know they are not on the right path. If you speak your mind you often wind up as the messenger that gets shot. If you mind your own business you have to sit by and watch them amble down the road to destruction.

I have chosen to be both in different situations in the past. The outcomes have been varied. On the very worst end of the spectrum, you can lose a friend for speaking out and trying to help them. On the other end you lose a friend to the destructive result of their choices. You always hope for middle ground but it can't always be. If you don't say anything there is a possibility that one of your other friends will, then they are the ill-fated messenger. Of course, then you have to listen to another fight between friends and may be forced to take sides.

Imagine this scenario. Your friend is dating a new man. She loves him. You know he is cheating on her/dealing drugs/is treating her badly. If you tell her, she will not only most likely take his side (after all, she is in love and culture dictates that love is the most important thing in life), but she will also be hurt that you don't trust her choices AND by the actions that her new man is supposedly taking. If you don't tell her, she might be getting physically and emotionally injured by this man and may end up hating you for NOT speaking up.

This all illustrates that friendship is nothing if not a roller coaster of emotion, but to me, the good times far outweigh the bad and therefore it is worth hurting a friend, if you are helping them in the long run. As long as what you are doing is out of love, not another emotion (can anyone stand the jealous bitches who try to force-feed the friend who has lost a little weight because they are "worried for her health"?). The friendship, if strong enough, will always stand the test.

If not, then I guess the friendship wasn't that amazing in the first place.

My Broken Heart - Part II

It has been almost 2 months since I broke up with the man I thought was the love of my life. When it happened, I cried for a week straight and then I told myself to get over it. I had to move my things into my new house, I had to get back into shape, I had lots of study to do and really, I had too much to do to be worrying about a broken heart.

So, I did stuff. I studied hard, I exercised, I met up with friends, I studied even more and I got a part-time job. If ever I had a night off I got drunk. The only thing I didn't do was talk about the break up. Every time someone asked me about the break up I shook my head and didn't say anything, or I changed the subject. As soon as I knew what question was coming, I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I couldn't speak for fear that I would cry and crying would mean that I wasn't OK, I wasn't as able to cope as I had made myself out to be. I only allowed myself to cry when I knew I was alone and even then most of the time I told myself to pretend none of it ever happened. Mostly I tried not to think of it at all

The only problem is that it did happen. A constant reminder of this is that I am still in contact with him. We have seen each other to drop things off that we left at the other's house, to catch up (as friends) and . . . to occasionally have the type of mind-blowing sex you only have when you both know that this could be the last time ever. 


Sunday was one of these days. The sex was so amazing that half a day felt like an hour, we had so much fun together and I realised that while he is basically over me (apart from some form of animal attraction-hence the sex) I still love this man more than anything on earth and will never stop while we are still seeing each other. I could liken my haste to be with him so often as "friends" to the girl who sits behind her crush in high school. It is human nature to want to be in close proximity to those we love and we will take whatever form of closeness we can get. I know that this means we will have to stop seeing each other altogether and I will have to accept the break up.

After all my pretending that everything was fine, my shattered heart has finally fallen to pieces. I haven't told a soul.

To Move or Not to Move . . .

I have to say I am pretty happy with the choices I have been making lately, but none of them have been easy . . gut feeling . . yes or no straight away-type problems. The outcome of these problems usually also has the ability to change my life in some way, so these decisions are not to be made lightly.

My latest problem is another one of these. Maybe someone out there can help me because for me it is a brain boggler!

PROBLEM: I am currently living in a place where I can (just) afford the rent if I have no form of social life and live on instant noodles and no-brand black tea. The place is within walking distance to uni and the beach which I love because I can wake up at 7am and still fit in an hour run before class. I also love being able to walk home for lunch between class.
However, it is very dirty (I have the kitty litter on the balcony outside my bedroom so I cant keep the door open to let a breeze in due to the smell) and it is also small. Furthermore, I am finding it incredibly hard to study there (the TV is very loud and I can hear word for word what is going on in the next room, especially when I am trying to sleep or study/write uni papers.)
My auntie is going overseas with her work for 5 months in July and has offered her place during that time for free (except for cost of utilities). It is a gorgeous modern 2 bedroom apartment with designer furniture in a gated community. It is, however 15-20 minutes drive to uni and I would have to move out and find somewhere else to live at the end of the year.

I did a pros and cons list (like I always do in these situations) and still have no idea what to do. The problem with pros and cons lists is that some pros are way more important than others and so 2 pros may outweigh 7 cons. My main issues are money vs convenience. The money saved turns out not be that much living at my aunties because petrol and utility costs increase and my income decreases (no more rent assistance) but it would still add 33% to my monthly spending money.
I also am not sure about the study issue because not having lived where I currently am during an exam period before I am not sure if this is going to be an issue of catastrophic proportions or not!

So . . . on top of study which is snowing me under at the moment, I have this weighing on my mind. I know its not a bad problem to have (Gee-poor me I have to choose between a super convenient and cheap house or a super nice and free house) but it is still taking up so much of my time..

Any suggestions?

The secret to being happy in life (for now) . . .

What a difference a couple of weeks makes...

In my last post I spoke of how my life was not exactly going the way I would have hoped. I was mid-break-up, broke, and had nowhere to live.

Well let me tell you how I am going now.

1. I found a place that I could afford that is a 10 minute walk from uni (and just a 25 minute walk from the beach!) I have my own room and am settling in so well. I am loving being able to leave for uni 15 minutes before class starts and come back home for lunch. I am so much more relaxed these days.

2. I had enough money to pay for the deposit and one months rent... but I realised I needed to find a job to keep this sublet ongoing . . . well, 2 days ago my old office called me and offered me one shift a week on a saturday (all I wanted) for more money than I would get in any other part-time job I could find - seriously-I didn't even have to make up a resume . . . they read my mind! So now I can afford to live here for a while - although I will be living very lean (hello, 2-minute noodles!!!)

3. I have been comfort eating (severely) in the past few months so I decided - as part of my "getting my life back on track" plan I would go to the doctor for help to lose weight. She prescribed me some appetite suppressants and also gave me the number of a psychologist who specialises in eating disorders (in my case binge eating). So I am going to start up that regime next week. The weird thing is, having decided that I would be able to eat whatever I wanted this week and be as lazy as I wanted until I started actively trying to lose weight, somehow the only things I feel like eating are salads, vegetables, fruit and small servings of everything (I haven't even started taking the appetite suppressants yet!) I have also been running every morning because I can wake up an hour later living so close to uni... so this element seems to be working itself out anyway!!

4. My cyst has gone down and no longer hurts and my test results from my pre-cancerous cervical lesions came back and they have been completely removed. Health-wise I am wonderful!

5. Superman and I officially broke up 3 days ago. While I am still crying about this about 3 times a day, it has not been as hard as expected. Possibly this is because I kind of knew that it would happen after we "took a break" for the last month, or possibly because everything else is going so well for me. Either way, it is sad because I did think of him as my soul mate and I still love him more than anything . . .  but I now feel that I have what it takes to come out of this a better person.

So, I guess what I have observed in myself in the last 2 weeks (although I don't officially believe in the theory) are the principles of "The Secret" at work. I inadvertently worked at one element of my life at a time, was happy when it worked out and once that part worked out, I looked towards the other elements. One by one they started falling into place. My life is fantastic at the moment and just how I wanted it to be . . . So, I guess what I have learned (re: getting what you want) is the following:

1. Prioritise your goals and focus on the most important/urgent 1st (without even thinking of the others)

2. Nothing is going to be a fairytale ending, so when you realise that in some sense you have gotten what you wanted, be happy, grateful and proud of yourself for making it happen.

3. Work on each element one by one until you have addressed every urgent item and have (at least) started on every non-urgent item.

4. MOST IMPORTANT: Don't be a passive victim. Don't wait for great things to happen to you. With that kind of attitude they wont! You have to WORK towards your goals! You want to pass an exam? Study! You want to lose weight? Eat well and exercise. You want a new job? Perfect your resume and apply for every job you can. etc etc etc.

EG: I didn't even think of looking for a house until I finished my exam at uni. Then I actively searched for houses and found a perfect one soon after, then I wrote up a budget... etc etc ...all this made me feel as if I was in control. When news that my relationship had gone south surfaced, I felt much more able to cope with it because everything else was in order.

I will check back in to see how this new theory is working in about a fortnight :)

When Life Gives You Lemon-sized Ovarian Cysts . . .

I know it has been a while since I last posted (lame) but here is what has been going on with me, some of it is good, some not so good, but in any case it has been keeping me busy:

1.  I am now 2 months into my medicine degree at university. I just had my first big exam this week and think I passed. It isn't easy. The workload is...ahem...extensive... and the class timetable changes every week. I am loving it though and feel like I have really found my calling!

2. Superman... If you don't know who this is....read some of my past blogs. Basically he is the love of my life. Unfortunately, for all that I raved about him, things haven't been sailing as smoothly as they were in days gone by. When he got back from overseas I moved in with him, but about a month ago he broke the news that he didn't really think it was working out and that he wanted to focus more on him (apparently he had been focusing too much on "us"). He isn't sure if he wants to break up (it is a month later and I still don't know where I stand), but he is fairly sure it would be better if we spent less time together. He hardly ever touches me anymore (being a girl-I straight away assumed it was my fault for being so god damned unattractive, of course), I haven't heard him say I love you for weeks and we are currently "on a break". If anyone has some insight into this little gem of the male psyche PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME!!! I let myself have one week of moping and to feel sorry for myself and then I decided to toughen up and take back the reins of my independence. The only issue is that I still live with him (awkward central) and am finding it incredibly difficult to find somewhere to move into, which brings me to my next point...

3. Due to the intense nature of study required for university, as well as the fact that I have class every day, but at different times every week, I have not been able to find a job to fit into my schedule. I know I will eventually have to take a bar job, but am waiting until I find a place to live so that I can work near where I end up. Catch 22: I need a job to be able to afford somewhere to live, but there is no point getting a job on one side of sydney if I end up living an hour drive away! This is a topic causing me ENORMOUS amounts of grief. The options for places I can afford right now are: a.) sharing a room with 2 other people (great for study/sex) OR b.) sleeping on someone's couch in their lounge room. Let me tell you - these are not the cheap options.... everything I have found is at the top end of my budget (ie: after I find a job) and I'm not sure I am willing to pay everything I have to sleep on someone's couch!!!!

4. Most recently, I have had a few health issues. In fact I have been at one Doctor's office or another 5 days out of the last 7. Firstly, I had an abnormal pap smear done a few months ago, and last week this resulted in my getting part of my cervix removed as there were some high grade pre-cancerous lesions. A few days later I was getting intense pains in my pelvis and feeling pretty unwell in general. Turns out they are nothing to do with the operation, but are caused by a large (tennis ball sized) cyst in one of my ovaries... According to the doc, nothing can be done (apart from to go on the pill-which I have been on for ages now) and the cyst should go away (or burst) in a few months. So I guess I have these pains to look forward to in the mean time. (They are NOT fun!)

Anyway, I guess this has been one big rant about how shitty my life is, but it's not all bad. I did, however, start this blog partially as a form of emotional release and today decided that I would let out everything that I have been harbouring over the past few months. I do feel better now and that's gotta be a good thing, right?

Why Does The Media Force The Beautiful People On Us Until They Become Mundane?

I recently bought Good Health magazine, which has a picture of Miranda Kerr on the front, as the featured celebrity in an interview (something which is now apparently a mandatory feature in every single womens' magazine) and as a guest editor. In case you were wondering, yes, she is in a swimsuit - which seems to be her apparel of choice, except for when she is modelling equally skimpy lingerie with matching wings. Now, if you know me at all (you don't) you will know that if I am bothering to write about this shiz it's because I have a gripe (I do).

I don't have a problem with Miranda Kerr in a swimsuit, in fact I think it must be a very inspiring image for female readers of Good Health magazine who want to look their best. I also don't have a problem with the magazine itself, it is a very good read, even my boyfriend thought it had some quality articles-which says a lot as he is not easily pleased. No, my problem is different and it is two fold:

1. I am bored with seeing this woman in a bikini or otherwise. Yes, she never looks bad which is why she is so successful, but she also never look any different and therefore has no ability to surprise the audience. We are being inundated with what is essentially the same picture of this woman with a different swimsuit on, over and over again. She is on pretty much every celebrity website, pervert website, men's magazine, hot celebrity list, as well as fashion magazines and evidently, health/fitness magazines. The guy at Macquarie bank who was caught on TV looking at inappropriate images on his computer last week-WAS LOOKING AT MIRANDA KERR! How is that any different from walking past a newstand and looking at the front covers of the publications? Chances are most of them feature Miranda Kerr in her cozzie or her undies!! I'm surprised anyone even noticed what he was looking at, seeing as it is something we have all seen so much of lately-aren't we desensitized yet? I know I am!

2. Miranda Kerr, as guest editor, is bringing her knowledge, learning and expertise to us, the reader, to help us become better and healthier (ie: more like her). Despite having no professional qualifications (I have read something somewhere about her "studying nutrition" but I would like to see what level of qualification this "study" gave her) she guides us through health and well-being tips that she ensures will get us looking like her. Her #1 beauty tip is sleep-which I'm sure helps if you already look like that to begin with; but if you're overweight, with a bad case of acne and a snaggle tooth, you will still be overweight, with a bad case of acne and a snaggle tooth when you wake up, even if you got your 8 hours last night. Also she says that she depends on several products from her new range, Kora, which has just been released at David Jones, to look her best. Pretty sure she was a stunningly beautiful Victoria's Secret model even before the first prototype for her product range had been thought up. And don't get me started on the "Noni Juice" shiz she claims to have been drinking since she came out of the womb! Do you know it costs $39.95 a bottle? Glad you're making millions each year Miranda, but that stuff would want to be liquid gold for that price!

You know what? My favourite Miranda Kerr moment was a few years ago when she was on the  SS catwalk for Lisa Ho modelling a range inspired by glamorous 70's housewives (with turbans and tropical prints) she was beautiful and fresh and not yet world famous. It was exciting to see this emerging model with dark hair, blue eyes and dimples, not to mention a killer body.

My plea to the world of media and consumers is this: Why not leave the health and advice to the experts and while you're at it, please try to find a new woman (or even better lots of them) to worship, fantasise about and attempt to emulate because when someone that beautful gets boring, you know they have been over saturated by the media.

It's Official: I Am A Blimp, But At Least My Career Is Taking Off . . .

It has been a while since I have punched my craziness into the keypad here (aka blogged) and I realised today that I missed it! So while I have a moment of free time, before I drive to my parent's country manor (ie: broke-down rental house in the sticks) this afternoon, I thought I would ramble on about what has been happening to me since I last rambled on . . .

Firstly, I got accepted into Med School (what . . . like it's hard?) which I am stoked about. If you have read my prologue, this blog was about getting my broke-down life to sparkle a little bit more than the dog turd state it was in when I started writing. One of the issues I had with my life, was that I not only was unemployed (save for a few meaningless temp jobs) but that I also lacked direction. I am not sure if I wrote about my med school ambitions on FITshionable (I didn't like to talk about them out loud because I thought people would laugh at me for trying when it is so hard to get in); But it was something that I had been wanting to at least try for quite a while and I finally decided to apply early 2009 and since then have had to do about a thousand exams, interviews etc. Anyway, I am so happy, not only that I got in, but also because now when people ask me what I do I can respond with something other than "Oh, I'm just taking a break from work/assessing my options/between jobs at the moment". I can say "well, I am about to start studying Medicine at University". Much easier and less embarrassing to explain than being a professional bum.

On a different note, I spent about 6 days of the last 2 weeks on a binge-eating bender.... I felt constantly full, fat, heavy, sad, like my clothes were stretched just to their limit to fit over my whale-like body and, even more alarmingly, like I couldnt breathe properly-it was disgusting! It all started when we went to visit SM's friends and god-children in the country for a few days. I ate and drank to their hospitality and because I was in a different setting. I told myself that after Australia day I would go back on a diet (no point dieting if I would be gorging on lamingtons, meat pies, bbq'd meat, booze and pavlova all day-best wait till after Aus. day). There were a few problems with that resolution:
1. I made that resolution on the 23rd. Australia Day is the 26th. That meant that my binge-fest was extended for a few days, even though I already felt gross from how much I had been eating. So I continued bingeing in anticipation of another binge.
2. This is not a good attitude to have towards holidays.... I will never be naturally slender if I surround each "special day" with a week of eating every morsel of food I can find.
3. I ended up doing nothing for Australia day... it was pretty much like any other day except all the beaches were packed. I don't know what I expected-I have never been a huge fan of Australia day, in fact, I don't remember EVER doing anything special for it in the past . . .

So, the next day I started being healthy, but before that, I thought I should weigh myself, so that I had a starting point from which to measure my weight loss. I HAVE GAINED 6 KG (13.2 LBS) IN LESS THAN 6 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't that horrible?!? No wonder my body feels like shit. I have literally been the weight on my own shoulders!

So, because of that startling revelation (I am so disgusted with myself) it has been relatively easy to be healthy. I have felt lighter and, surprisingly had WAY less gas (SM is happy about that). I did have a slight blow out last night while at home alone watching "The Break-up", but it was just that I ate too much fruit and yoghurt and felt full and uncomfortable. I woke up, went for a walk and ate lighter today to make up for it. (I "self-corrected" like I was taught in Inside Out Weight Loss).

That reminds me . . . Have you guys tried out those Podcasts yet? If not, I HIGHLY recommend them!!!!